Service Animals Welcome only.

It has come to my attention that a great number of people in my life have not been subject to the anticipation, hopefulness, and horror that a blind date induces. As a season pass holder to bad blind date entertainment, I consider myself well versed.

Allow me to paint you a scenario:

You, an accomplished, reasonably well dressed/spoken/educated single person are minding your business living your life when approached by your coworker/neighbor/friend/eventual enemy.

"I have just the person for you!" they proclaim.

"Uh, really?"

"Yes they are so caring/nice/vaguely positive attribute! I just think you two would really like each other. He/She's just kind of shy. Want to go out with him/her?"

"Well, I'm flattered, but I don't really like the pressure of blind dates", you say respectfully while deperately looking around for a building/billboard/approaching squirrel to comment on to change the subject.

"OH COME ON. He/She could be the one! What have you got to lose?! You never know!" Enter guilt trip, followed by unknowingly insulting insights into your life like:

"what better do you have to do?"

"when WAS the last time you were on a date?"

"you'll never meet anyone with that attitude."

and my favorite...... "it's not like you have any other offers on the table right now."

So, you go. In the days preceding, your mood changes from sheer panic to indignant neutrality to just the slightest hopefulness. In this day, it's common that you and he have been communicating with each other, sharing intimate gems like:

"I was tired today, work sucks" and "YOU like the Beatles?! I like the Beatles!" If he's really enthused about this, he might even interject messages with an abundance of emoticons indicating smiling, frowning, barfing, whatever. Enthralling, I know.

As you get ready (because eff it, you still have to look good JUST IN CASE), you think about all of the crazy things that happen in this world like messages in bottles and bird migration. Certainly a successful blind date can't be that extraordinary.

and then the rain.

In my experience, the oh-NO moment usually happens upon first meeting. There are just certain things that don't work. Chain smoking is one of them. Wearing leather pants is another. Perhaps the most offensive is the wife beater and cargo shorts to dinner. I'm not kidding. Sometimes it comes later, when he admits to sleeping in his mom's bed sometimes, hates the sun or that he has never been to a concert. Most of the time, it's a general lack of charisma and personality.

Immediately you put on your gracious face. I'm told this is used by actors at awards shows, when they lose but still have to be on TV. You have to avoid ungenuine overenthusiasm, while pretending to still be glad to be there. My schtick is usually combined with a scooting all the way back into my chair, and playing with my napkin. I make conversation just like I do at other events I dont want to be at.... talking about my job, how much I like the Northwest, commenting on the music scene. That's my go-to regime. Feel free to implore it.

After the obligatory meal and ONE drink. You rise to leave. The other person jumps up and asks if you want to continue to a movie/walk/other bland date activity. You force a smile and fake a regretted look. You say one of the following:

"I would, but I have to go pick up my sister at the airport." --perfect, family related AND time contrained.

"I would, but I have to be at work super early and I can't be tired." --also good, but not foolproof.

"I would, but I promised my friend I would babysit in a half hour" --works because you're blaming your friend for having kids, and thus cutting the evening short.

He replies with a shrug and a "oh, ok....

welliwasstillgreattomeetyouyouresofuncanwedothisagain?"

You smile and say, "sure, I'll see you later"....knowing full well you will be conveniently losing his number in t-minus twelve minutes.

I usually run to my car, swearing to never do it again. In the past, I have faltered on this proclamation. However, last week I was pushed over the proverbial blind date edge. I now know that any great guy doesnt need to be set up. A real man sets himself up. So there.