Potty Perspective.

As you might have guessed by my binge blogging as of late, I have had quite a surplus of time on my hands.  Census is really low at work, and I have been cancelled a lot for the past three weeks.  As a traveler, you run the risk of not being needed and thereby being cancelled.  Had I known what I was doing when I signed this contract, I would have negotiated some parameters for this and made sure I would still get paid in this case.  I didn't and so....here I am.  I probably won't get paid this week.  UGH.  So in the midst of my pity party, I am also at a loss as to what to do about my lack of employment come April 11th, when my current assignment is up.  With the lackluster economy our great nation is experiencing, hospitals are clamping down just like everybody else.  They are trying to not use travelers as much as possible, so it's kind of slim pickings here.  I could and have been having anxiety, night sweats, mental breakdowns, and other acts of psychological instability, but I was given some amazing clarity tonight.  My friend Alisa, who is in the same predicament as I, suggested that we drown our sorrows in milkshakes.  We spent the majority of the meal feeling sorry for ourselves and trying to devise a plan to ensure employment in two weeks.  We got nothing.  After we left the diner, I ran back inside to use the little nurse's room where I found this:

This act of vandalism just about knocked me over.    

I realized while I drove home that, perhaps, during this time I really should ask not what my country can do for me.  Maybe considering the positions in Butthole, Nowhere that I have previously turned my nose up to are exactly what I need.  In my never ending quest for fabulosity, I have found myself somewhat devoid of the heart of my profession: service.  I believe that God leads us to those who help us most to grow, if we let Him.  Maybe it's time I acted upon it.  Maybe someone in Butthole, Nowhere needs me.  Maybe I need them.  I don't have a final answer for this, and I'm not saying I wouldn't still jump at the chance to work in San Fran or NYC, but I'm learning that if this is really what I want to do, I need to get over myself a little bit.  I need to push through the unpleasant for love of the game.  I need to not give up.  

Maturity? Nah.

When one of my closest friends recently broke up with her superrat of a boyfriend,  I finally eloquently and respectfully told her what I thought:  He is a parachute-sized douche bag.  Like so many stupid women, she is having a hard time letting go despite this hard fact (see blogicle entitled "video killed the breakup").  Thus, every time I talk to her, I remind.  In the middle of a particularly passionate rant entailing everything I detest about him, I told her I could even write a song about it.  This actually came to me last week.  Sing it in the melody of Jingle Bells.  I'm not even kidding.  I sang it out loud to myself after I wrote it, and giggled alone for the rest of the night.  I'm contemplating recording it to publish on Youtube.  This may seem schoolgirlish in the face of our world's issues, but I can't stifle my creative flow.  Or keep a straight face as I type that.  ha.  

parachute sized, parachute sized, parachute sized douche bag. 

she's finally done, the victory's won. 

let's never meet a-gain....hey!

you were so selfish,

you had to be put first.

now that she's set you free, go disappear from earth. 

i tried to give it time.

i put on a fake smile.

now i can so gladly admit, i loathed you all the while!

OH...parachute sized, parachute sized, parachute sized douche bag.  

we're glad you're gone,

we hope for long, even if you are gay....hey!

why can't you leave her be?

you've done enough for sure.

slither into your weasel hole, and we will rest assured.  

Everybody!

parachute sized, parachute sized, parachute sized douche bag.

i love my friend

you can't understand

so goodbye and be gone!

Killing me, Smalls.

I'm trying to like baseball.  It's American, I'm told it's the right thing to do.  So I gave up an afternoon of the Big Dance to go watch a Spring Training game.  Dodgers/Rangers.  I like that it's outside and the weather was lovely.  I like the crazy Dodger fans.  Otherwise, meh.  

Sweet Sweet.

Sixteen is the sweetest.  How cute are these two?!  Uh.  We play UNC next.  Gulp.  I do recall recently saying that Tyler and his Heels will take the cake.  Dang it.  Might Cinderella dance again?  The slipper still fits!

Upset Central.

There is much amuck in Indianapolis.  My bracket is beyond revival.  Only Boston has been well behaved.  Where the hell is Siena?!  Cleveland....really?  REALLY?!  I love college basketball.  Anything can happen, and you only have one game to prove yourself.  Nothing like it.  

Thanks Kelly!

You have single handedly gotten my ass running again.  My runs had dwindled to once a week.  I was totally punking out and choosing the elliptical, climber, or bike every workout.  A recent bout with illness threatened to undo any cardio endurance I had left.  I was whining about shin splints and aching knees again.  You literally made it impossible for me to not run.  My beer gut and I thank you.  MY life, would suck without YOU.  

Love Love Love.

Video killed the Breakup.

The breakup is dead.  This tradition has been killed tragically by the advancing technology of the 21st century.  It is survived by the casual brush off, the drunken hookup, the (ew) sober hookup, living together for decades without a wedding, the drunk dial relapse and so many other relationship faux pas.  

In this decade of texting, facebook, twitter (who CARES when John Mayer poops?!), and so many other stalking tools, it has become literally impossible to move on when parting ways with romantic interests.  Gone are the days of immaturely pretending the other party never existed, and denying wholly that it was this side a year ago you had your tongue down his throat.  Nowadays, you are bombarded with messages, details, pictures, and postings informing you of this person's every move, picture taken, place of business, and gulp,....new relationship.  Is this really necessary?!  Aren't we really just making things way too convenient to relapse?  It is just stupid that we are forced to ingest their every move and somehow pretend to be mature enough to stand it.  I beg off.  I don't want to coexist, stay friends, keep in contact.  I want to get the hell out.  I will be the first to admit that I am no expert in this field of study, but it seems to me that all of these 'social networking' tools just make it impossible to move on.  Personally, I am a fan of the "drop and run".  I do just that.  After it's over, I run for the hills and use avoidance as my coping mechanism.  It works great.  I make myself a deadline to be over it, and when this deadline arrives, I am.  Because I said so.  I've been talking a lot of good friends through relationship hell lately.  My observation as of late is that all this technology is no help in this department.  Traditionally, no one would casually call a recent ex just to say hi.  But a casual text is totally different, seemingly safe.  A facebook message is even less confrontational, and thereby somehow acceptable.  Pandora, meet your box.  The next thing you know, you are messing around with your ex because he just happened to be in town and sent a text to say hi.  Whoops.  Now what?!  Is it impossible to really cut ties with this person that, REMEMBER, you had already decided was wrong for you?  How come we forget his douche-esque qualities the second we see that he got drunk and took pictures with some bar rat?  Is it really productive to keep updated after it's over?  

Jay'll Disagree.

But I think Tyler and UNC will take the cake this year.  Have you filled out your dance card?!  Printable Pdf here.  Lots of Cinderellas this year, let the dancin begin!  GO ZAGS!

Just In Case.

I recently sent this email to my friend Lindsay.  Her family is planning a trip to NYC and DC this summer and wanted my thoughts on the two cities.  I sent her this gargantuan message and thought it a waste to not share:

"Two of my favorite places in the whole world....gear up for the longest email of your life!

NYC:
really study a map before you start planning. The city is divided by a e-w street called houston (house-ton, say it right!!). north of houston the streets are numbered. they go from 1st street al the way north to the 300's in the bronx. streets number up from south to north. avenues line e-w, there are eleven. seriously, look at the map. 

When you get there, have everyone get an unlimited subway pass. it's totally worth it. the subway isnt the easiest to use but there are lots of helpers around and people are generally nice about it. remember, it's really easy to go uptown/downtown in NYC, kind of a pain to go east and west. you could seriously get a million places by taking the 1 train up and down on the west side and the 6 up and down on the east. cabs expensive and not necessarily faster. 

where to eat:
magnolia bakery. there's one in greenwich village and one on the upper west side. the best cupcakes ever. the red velvet is my favorite. 

joshua tree- on 46th between 8th and 9th. this area is the theatre district, with b'way and what not. this area of streets between 8th-9th and 40-60th streets is considered Restaurant Row. tons of places to eat, you can't go wrong. they are all amazing. there are a few thai places that i wanted to move into. 

if you REALLY want to feel like new yorkers, i loved burger joint, this little hole in the wall tucked in the lobby of le parker meridien hotel on 56th between 10th and west end (11th) avenue. all there is is a neon hamburger sign at the door. the best milkshakes in town. 

mulberry street- this is little italy. it's tucked by chinatown technically the soho area. anywhere there is legit italian food. you may be made an offer....an offer you can't refuse. serious. they're old school. 

YOU MUST lunch at westville in greenwich village. if aaron is there, tell him i sent you. he won't know who i am, he might remember if you tell him i named him simon and we are going to write a musical based on his life. the food there is amazing. it's a tiny, unimpressive place, but you know it's good when there are people waiting outside to eat. the wait is never long, and that area is fun to explore while you are waiting for a table. my apt was just blocks from there. it's on w 10th between 4th ave and bleecker. just steps off of the christopher/sheridan stop on the 1,2, or 3 trains. oh, i highly recommend the baked mac n cheese. 

on the upper east side, frrrrooozen hot chocolates at serendipity's! i think it's on 62nd between second and lex. anyone will know where it is.

H&H bagels: they are everywhere, and the best in the city. get it double toasted. mmmmmm

gray's papaya hot dogs: ideal late night i-need-energy-to-get-back-to-the-hotel-snack. main shop is on the upper west side on 72nd street. there are several locations, however all over manhattan. 

TO DO:
top of the empire state building. splurge on the audio tour. totally worth it, otherwise you really have no idea what you are looking at and that city really is too spectacular to not know!

central park: rent bikes at the swim bike run store on 58th and 7th ave. it's like 30 bucks a person for an hour and a full tour of Central Park. it's the best way to see the whole park. rent your bikes for an extra hour and ride around yourselves after the tour is over. that place is magical and they do a good job of telling you all about it. DO NOT get on a damn horse drawn carriage. forty bucks and it's over in 20 minutes. they literally only take you through a tiny corner of the park. seriously, BIKE. 

ferry boat ride through NY harbor. notice i didnt say the statue of liberty ferry. you can't even go up and so don't waste your time doing the one where you get off on the island. just do the one that takes you all over the harbor. you'll have better views anyway and then you get to see more of the city. take the 1 train downtown to south ferry stop, it's the end of the line. you'll also get to see battery park this way, and ground zero. all three in one:)

half off ticket office: this opens daily at three. dont worry, there is always a horrendous line but it moves really quickly!! it's in times square, under the red steps. everyone knows where it is. go with a few shows in mind that you would like to see. they have the available ones posted. it's so much worth it to do it this way...otherwise tickets cost 120-150 a piece. ouch. usually good seats, i dont know how that works but i have seen 5 or 6 shows this way and always had awesome seats. I recommend wicked, chicago, south pacific, mama mia, and any of the disney ones. any b'way show is guaranteed amazing. mary poppins was magical. they now take credit cards, which has changed, they used to only take cash. 

walk through soho: the lofts there are so beautiful, i could get lost there. you could easily walk through soho, washington square park, and greenwich village in a morning. so much to do and look at. wonderful. NYU campus surrounds washington square park. 

RULES ABOUT NYC:
these are mine but i think you should adopt them as well. 
-no eating at chain restaurants. seriously, why would you?!
-do not look any street vendor in the eye.....act like a new yorker and ignore them. they'll leave you alone. 
-don't waste your money shopping. bergdorf's might be a novelty, but anything you would buy there you can get online. spend your money on experiences instead of that stupid handbag!
-learn to use the subway.
-eat pizza. 
-avoid all retail/restaurants close to times square. all goods are horrible overpriced and the food is always awful. if you are hungry, walk the three blocks to restaurant row. 
-don't tell the cabbie what to do. he knows where to go, they get cranky if you get bossy. 
-keep your bag zipped
-carry your whole day with you. you dont want to waste time schlepping back to the hotel for stupid stuff. 
-walking shoes! can't say it enough, you will walk miles and miles because it literally is sometimes the fastest way to move in that city. 
BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC. it's real. i know it. 

OK soooo DC!
boltbus.com is where you can make reservations. you can do one way or round trip. this is the easiest/cheapest/most comfortable way to get there. trust me. the train is horrendous. these buses have leather seats, plug ins, wireless internet. the trip takes about four hours. it picks you up across the street from madison square garden on 34th and drops you off right in front of the metro station in DC. SO EASY. the only hitch is you have to find a kinko's in NYC after you make reservations so that you can print your tickets. this isnt hard, but necessary. you could i guess just reserve them before you go but that's not as spontaneous:) 

the metro system in DC is way easier than NYC. it takes you everywhere you could want to go and the trains are clean and really comfy. it'll drop you off right in the middle of the Mall, literally on the grass on front of the washington monument. it takes your breath away. 

other than the obvious monuments/museums (my favorite of these being the holocaust museum!), i would highly recommend a night tour of old town alexandria. this is where sheriann lives. take the king street stop and walk towards water. this is where the real history happened. colonial pubs, george washington's townhouse, cobblestone streets! a sight to behold. seriously, do the night tour, it's amazing and will resonate with you so much better than the sticky museums. 

well......i think that's the highlights. let me know if you have any other questions. I AM SO EXCITED AND JEALOUS. these places are just wonderful. 

Happy Planning!!

Love Love Love Mingni"

The Silk Tape Road: Nursing Exposé

By request, this is the first in a likely never ending series of blogicles about my job and the things I know about healthcare, weird things I see, my favorite stories, etc.  Sometimes I don't find nursing quite enthralling, but perhaps writing it down will help.  Also, the number of friends and family that have asked, in all seriousness, if my job is anything like Grey's Anatomy is gross.  It has to stop.  In starting with the basics, I should begin with nursing.  I promise, I will get to those fussy doctors that everyone wants to hear about.  

I show up at the hospital everyday at about 6:57am.  Since the night shift's departure is based on the day shift's arrival,  punctuality is kind of a big deal.  If I clock in at 7:01, my ass is late.  Unfortunately, I don't believe in being early.  

After getting report from the night shift on my 3-4 patients, I go around and make my morning rounds.  We have to do a full assessment on our kids every four hours, a half assessment every two hours, and a mini check every hour.  Basically I chase after them all day.  Of course, this includes the charting at has to be done as well.  I need to know about any and all secretions, oozing, excretions, exudate, propellants, inhales, ingestions, etc etc that occur on my watch.  Really, it's not that hard.  Please don't gag.  

All of this assessing is intermixed with MD orders, lab draws, procedures, dressing changes, feedings, and the million other therapies that march through the unit on day shift.  The biggest difference between days and nights, I think, is that on days you are the soccer mom.  You juggle all of your patients appointments between the doctors, the physical therapists, occupational therapists, dieticians, x ray techs yadda yadda yadda, whilst trying to not lose your kid.  I begrudgingly admit that there are instances when I have no idea where my patient is.  Yikes.  The upside to all of this event coordination is that you get to talk to all of the different professionals and learn a lot about what they do.  

  

A word about my population choice:  I love working in Pediatrics.  You think about it.  If you are wiping ass for a living, would you rather wipe small ass or large ass?  The kids who I treat are such a joy, and such great birth control all at once.  They don't lie, and so they tell it like it is.  While their penchant for being non-negotiable can be frustrating, they will be the first to forget that you had four people hold them down while thrusting an IV into their arm or sticking probes and tubes into orifices that they have deemed to be "out only".  Their parents, unfortunately, are less likely to forget.  Kids are also much easier on my soul.  It takes a certain kind of person to be able to treat patients who are sick by their own accord.  Adult nurses do this every day.  My patients are sick through no fault of their own, and most times get to run out the door, as  healthy as they were before they were wheeled in.  Adult nurses don't usually get this luxury.  I am thankful.  

Now let's debunk some of those common misconceptions.

1) I have never, ever slept with a doctor or any other kind of health care professional in the on call room.  PLEASE.  The on call room is usually stocked with one twin bed (dressed in stiff hospital bedding), a desk with computer, and an exhausted resident who can't remember what his mom looks like.  Not hot.  

2) I don't wear a starched cap and stockings to work.  I think I should, but no one does.  I actually wear whatever I want, and most of the times it's a long sleeved tee and scrub pants.  Also not hot.  Carla on Scrubs, always looks way too put together.  

3) We do sit!  While I do say that I am on my feet for 12 hours a day, too many people take this literally and think that nursing is liken to some sort of medieval torture.  I do run around for most of the day, but when I am charting or on the phone I do try to find a place to sit.  Even so, the one average day I wore a pedometer it read that I walked about seven miles in a shift.

4) Working in Peds is not sad.  I think a lot of people think of St. Jude's infomericals when I tell them I work with kids.  While the kids I take care of are sick, most of them are not dying.  Even when I work in the PICU or the Ped ED, I hardly see kids die.  In fact, I have seen two since I have been a nurse.  Of course, it was awful both times, but does not override the hundreds of kids that live.  

5) I don't get to rock babies all day.  I would love to, but there simply is no time.  Besides, parents are supposed to stay with their kids in the hospital.  Whenever I have a kid with no parents at the bedside, I am ridden with guilt all day as I hear them wail from down the hallway.  I try to have them with me on my lap while I chart, or have a volunteer hold, but it's not always possible.  Poor little bunnies.  

I like my job.  I really do.  Mostly because I can do it well, and it allows me to do all the things outside of work that I love.  Four days off a week is not a bad way to live.  

P.S. Silk tape is my nursing weapon of choice.  It's my favorite medical supply.  I can do anything with silk tape.  Macgyver has nothing on me.