KungFu Biteme.

{via Postsecret}

How about a little racism to break up all of that gush I just posted?  I stumbled upon this on the PostSecret website a while ago, and it hit too close to home to not share me own thoughts, eh?

Confession:  I think I'm white.  Actually, not only do I think I'm white, but a racist one at that!  I don't have many Asian friends, I certainly have none with accents, and I would not be caught dead in an Asian army of people.  Maybe I like being the only Asian, another reason to be the center of attention or something?  Its the ugly truth.  Yo stop, collaborate and listen:


I act Asian:

1. I really like Asian food.  I eat a lot of rice, veggies, and cleanly.  I put sesame oil on everything.

2. I drink tea, and quit coffee.

3. Ok fine, I think grades are important.....and maybe I take pride in doing math in my head.

4. My grandparents are worshipped and never, ever crossed.

5. I totally shuffle when I walk.  I have been trying to break this habit for years.  Nursing has really helped, at least I shuffle quickly now.  Stay tuned.

6. I am a lactard.  Totally lactose intolerant, just like 99.987253% of all Asians.  This I cannot help.

7.  Ok, I am also a terrible driver.  After all of these years, Im starting to think it's inevitable.  However, I redeem myself by having an excellent sense of direction.  Let's roadtrip; I am an incredible map reader.  My tyrant father made sure of this, and dammit I am thankful now.

8.  I'm near-sighted?  I don't know, running out of ideas!  I have no eyelashes, no boobs, and a flat ass??

I do NOT act Asian:

1. I wear shoes in the house.  This is the dumbest thing Asians do.  I still get in hollering arguments with my mother over this.  Somehow, EVERY TIME I go over there, she has 'just mopped'.  Psht. If I just run back into the house for something, I AM NOT taking my shoes off!  I sure as hell am not wearing those dumbass slippers inside, either.  Furthermore, my mother seems to think darker colored soles are dirtier.  25 years, I have made no progress with her on this.  (I already know to expect an email about this post, mostly for using the word 'ass'.)

2.  I am so not a saver.  Asians are known for squirreling their money away, spending only for status and stingily not ever enjoying it.  Ya know, buying a huge house to show people how wealthy they are, and then cooking in the garage to not mess up the kitchen.  They buy nice things, and wrap them in plastic and never use them.  They save all of their money, accumulating piles of money, all the while wearing threadbare clothes and only driving rice burner 'economical' POS cars.  I believe money is meant to be thrown around the world, invested in people and bringing joy and experience!  Spread it!  You don't come with it, you don't take it when you leave!  We could all die tomorrow, make your life count TODAY.  Asians.

3.  Academia.... tires me to even speak of.  I'm not sure what genetic anomaly was expressed in me, but I SO do not have the Asian overachiever characteristic.  This was not for lack of trying.  My parents didn't know what American schools were like, so they tried their best to give me the education my cousins got back in Red China.  My mother was anxiety ridden that I didn't know my multiplication tables before kindergarten, so the summer before, we spent three months reciting and writing charts.  I knew my multiplication to 11 at five years old.  She had known hers to 15.  I was 'behind'.  I also was subject to home 'summer school' every year, which just led to an incredibly and precociously bored kid who then was skipped from third to fourth grade one year.... mostly because I was driving my teacher crazy.  That's where the ambition ended.  When I graduated college, I told my parents to make a big ass deal out of it, cuz I aint eva graduatin' from nothin eva again.  I just dont have it, I cant sit still.

4.  Let's be serious.  I have never dated much of anyone, and I sure as hell am not dating another Asian.  There is no attraction there.  It's not a hard rule, I guess I might consider it...but definitely no computer engineers, no squinty-eyed, spiky-haired mama's boys, and NO ONE who doesn't know how to change a tire.  THAT GOES FOR ALL RACES, in fact.  Also, no one with any interest in Japanimation.  Shudder.  I know it's rude.  Soorry, lawd!

5.  As rocky as my relationship with my parents may be, I definitely am thankful for a few things.  We have never had the 'overbearing dictator career path' situation.  They never coerced me in any way regarding my life and direction.  I have always had full rein of my choices as soon as I was an adult, and they have never batted an eyelash.  Weeell, when I first told them I was going to be a nurse, they may have asked "oh, you mean a doctor?" at first, but that was just reflex.  In fact, when I told them about the acting quarter life crisis, my dad just snorted and laughed, "I'm actually not surprised.  You've always been overconfident and overdramatic".  Is that supportive?

6.  I loooooove exploring this wide world.  Sure, Asians travel, but not like I do.  Stereotypical Asians like touring places to 'see' things.  That simply won't do for me.  I gotta do things.  I have to jump off of rocks, cannonball into the water, eat weird food and wander amongst the locals.  Gathering in obnoxious groups with weird matching hats/flags/shirts etc while riding in buses, stopping to snap photos and listen to scripted commentary is just plain torture.  In fact, when my dad and I plan vacations, we plan to avoid the Asians.

7.  I respect personal boundaries.  Asians have no regard for personal space.  They have such reverence for family, and ZERO respect for strangers.  They shove, push, cut in line, and throw elbows in all public arenas.  I have gotten in actual verbal spats with rude commuters, unwilling to bow to their ridiculous behavior.  Did you know that, in prep for the Beijing Olympics, the Commies declared every 11th (because 11 is two orderly lines) "national line up practice day"?  That was the day the Asians were to practice lining up on public nicely, because guests would be coming soon.  THAT IS JUST PATHETIC.  But it was also quite necessary.  My dad reports that it didn't work.

8.  Good Lord their culture is cheesy.  I can't stand it.  I refuse to wear stuffed animals as handbags, use fruity smelling office supplies, or adorn my electronics with dangly cartoon animals and sparkly beads.  It's like a entire society of overgrown toddlers.  I shudder to report to you that my 27 year old cousin still loves cartoons and wears Snoopy on everything.  Just can't stomach it.  With my US passport came the cool card.


Ok so the lists even out.  Whatever, just don't you dare call me a FOB.  And no, I don't know where you can go for dim sum.

Love Love Love.